For Jim:

Frustration

If I had a shiny gun,
I could have a world of fun
Speeding bullets through the brains
Of the folk who give me pains;

Or had I some poison gas,
I could make the moments pass
Bumping off a number of
People whom I do not love.

But I have no lethal weapon-
Thus does Fate our pleasure step on!
So they still are quick and well
Who should be, by rights, in hell.

-- Dorothy Parker

Used to have that on my wall. These days it's been replaced with "...Would you kindly direct me to Hell?"

Dottie's a long, long, long time favorite.

Dorothy Parker is *so* good at that kind of thing. And I am *so* glad that she used her words instead of the more direct methods that she describes in such loving detail.

DP is an endless source of pleasure to those of us who appreciate her finely-applied acid. Besides the piece I quoted above, both "Tonstant Weader fwowed up" and "...and I am Marie of Roumania" will send me into giggles every time.

Rita Rudner at her very best can tap on Dottie's shoes - same very wide-innocent-eyes on the most acid observations.

"After eight hours of labor, my husband leaned down and asked, 'What does it feel like?' ...so I reached down his nose and pulled out his liver. 'Like that.'"

"Can't get rid of your guy? Tell him you love him... you want to marry him... you want to have his children. ...He'll leave skid marks."

Since I am a martini drinker this one has always had a special place in my heart:

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.”

There is a delightful Vaudeville-era ditty called "Someday Some Little Bug is Going to Find You" that reminds me of this. [googles] Lyrics:

In these days of indigestion it is oftentimes a question
As to what to eat and what to leave alone.
Every microbe and bacillus has a different way to kill us
And in time they all will claim us for their own.
There are germs of every kind in every food that you can find
In the market or upon the bill of fare.
Drinking water's just as risky as the so-called "deadly" whiskey
And it's often a mistake to breathe the air.

Cho: For some little bug is going to get you someday.
Some little bug will creep behind you some day.
Then he'll send for his bug friends
And all your troubles they will end,
For some little bug is gonna find you someday.

The inviting green cucumber, it's most everybody's number
While sweetcorn has a system of its own.
Now, that radish seems nutritious, but its behavior is quite vicious
And a doctor will be coming to your home.
Eating lobster, cooked or plain, is only flirting with ptomaine,
While an oyster often has a lot to say.
And those clams we eat in chowder make the angels sing the louder
For they know that they'll be with us right away.

For some little bug is going to get you someday.
Some little bug will creep behind you some day.
Eat that juicy sliced pineapple ;and the sexton dusts the chapel
Oh, yes, some little bug is gonna find you some day.

When cold storage vaults I visit, I can only say, "What is it
Makes poor mortals fill their systems with such stuff?"
Now, at breakfast prunes are dandy if a stomach pump is handy
And a doctor can be called quite soon enough.

Eat a plate of fine pig's knuckles and the headstone cutter chuckles
While the gravedigger makes a mark upon his cuff.
And eat that lovely red bologna and you'll wear a wood kimona
As your relatives start packing up your stuff.

Those crazy foods they fix, they'll float us 'cross the River Styx
Or start us climbing up the Milky Way.
And those meals they serve in courses mean a hearse and two black horses
So before meals, some people always pray.

Luscious grapes breed appendicitis, while their juice leads to gastritis
So there's only death to greet us either way.
Fried liver's nice, but mind you, friends will follow close behind you
And the papers, they will have nice things to say.

For some little bug is going to get you someday.
Some little bug will creep behind you some day.
Eat that spicy bowl of chili, on your breast they'll plant a lily .
Oh, yes, some little bug is gonna find you some day.

I have heard a wonderful recording of this with a woman reciting it, don't know who it was.